8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
