never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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