I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
