ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
