I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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