Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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