Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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