i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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