I am midnight drunk by noon
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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