My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
