Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
