he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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