his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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