I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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