I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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