ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
