tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
