On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
