Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
