I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
