Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
