Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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