I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
