i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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