i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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