I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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