so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
