He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
