I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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