This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
