I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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