I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ladies don't puke and tell
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
