I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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