She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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