I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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