So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I am spending my child support on dildos
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
