You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
