I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
