I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
