People in love make me want to vomit
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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