ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
