I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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