My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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