Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
