This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
