I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
