i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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