my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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