pop tarts are not kleenex
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
