So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
