Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
